Arctic Nights

Laying in the bath at 3.34am looking out the window through a narrow view from below I realise that I am not seeing only arctic weather, blown across the oceans, but also seem to have aquired arctic nights, of the kind when the sun never sets,.. because at 3.34am in the uk you shouldnt be able to see the sky glowing like that... then I figure it's the snow doing lots of showy light reflecting and thats why it glows like that when it should be pitch black at that hour.. this light is no sheer moonlight. My body is behaving as if the sun never sets too.. insomnia isnt a strong enough word.

It's worse when you're single, because even an asleep person is someone THERE, and you cant call a friend at 3.34am to have a chat as if it's 3.34pm, not if you want to have any friends left to call by the end of the week! and then if I do sleep it's because I pass out in the middle of the afternoon and sleep through the buzzer going as various friends drop by to see me.. I'm missing even the meagre social life I have stuck at home (no insult intended to my amazing friends there, quality not quantity in a social life is really nice :) It's just a shame I cant go clubbing and pubbing and many other things that mean having tons of friends, like they all do, it's even more of a shame if I sleep through everything good)

So, I've got bronchitis, insomnia, all my eds and fibro symptoms going mental for many reasons, so have been bedridden/houseridden for weeks, my new living room has hardly been used, why sit in a chair in agony when you can lay on a bed in slightly less pain? the fact that its freezing makes all my joints swell up and my hands feel as useful as an 80 year olds, and I'm snowed in, and skint... and lonely, so of course I'm bored out of my freaking mind.

But it could be worse..

http://www.helpanton.org/

Thats the reality of life with a crappy genetic illness... your life is hell and you are considered deficient.. invalid.. as my best friend pointed out its all in the words in - valid, non valid. I'm a million times luckier than that poor boy though, because I have medical help and support, can you believe they separated him from his twin too? Talk about a primal wound. I dont know how people do things like that and still live with themselves, I want to top myself everytime I'm late for an appointment or upset someone being grumpy cos I'm hurting, if I did something that callous I think I'd just cease to exist on the spot. It makes me want to go all Dexter on their asses and find out who the twin is and stick a letter (with all the photos of his poor brother suffering that he wont be told about, I would bet my life they keep it a secret) in a safe box and post him the key when he's sixteen, that would shake some shit up in those evil peoples lives. I know its very basic of me to feel that way, but how can something like that be allowed to happen!? I hope he does find out somehow, they hurt him too, separating them, he wont know why he's hurt but he is, I think thats so cruel, all for the having of a child. I just dont get it, I could not have a child if it was not with some open honest intentions, hence the decision not to bear a child with the risk of them having eds, that pain can be spared by never happening, these people chose the risks then chose to abandon when he was not perfect, what are they going to do with the other kid if he is in a mutilating accident or just plain turns out ugly? leave him in a fucking ditch like an unwanted sofa?! Christ on sale. I can only quote Doug Stanhope at this point

"It's like people have kids just to do horrible shit to them"

Ok well I'm ranted out for the moment so shall return soon, thankyou to my friend Nate for being dead supportive of my blogging, but at times like these it seems like a drop in the ocean and only for me, and I'm not sure it even helps.

Night x