Disability Myths

Painting is called 'Optical Illusion (the mirror is the lie)'

..Well, disability myths, and myths about what it's like to have a rare illness.

Myth 1) If it turns out you have something rare the Doctors are all over your case like white on rice, because they're so fascinated to figure it out. The reality is there is no interest in a cure for a couple of thousand people when there are the cures for millions to be found, population wise and fiscally. In fact alot of doctors think eds is "just hypermobile joints" or "just stretchy skin" and show no interest whatsoever in the condition, which is merely perverse if you ask me, it is a fascinating condition that doctors outta be ashamed of themselves for ignoring, there are so many clues into how a body is SUPPOSED to work in the ways (and whys) my body wont.

Myth 2) Diagnosis will result in self respect regained and people stopping with the hypercondriac remarks, the only change is people no longer say it to your face (because they secretly know they're full of shit but the world is less scary if you can label people with horrendous illnesses as purely weak, it creates a comfort zone of it-wont-happen-to-me-its-not-even-happening-to-her-shes-imagining-it. I know which attitude I see as weak.)

Myth 2 (b) Diagnosis will mean the ceasing of the endless psychiatric referals and prescriptions of antidepressants. If it's in your head.. numb it, if it's real.. numb it. It is getting insulting, how much surviving do I have to do before someone shows a shred of faith in me? I dont need pacifying I need understanding and ideas on how to reclaim my life from this shitty illness.

Myth 3) If you have to go through some horrendous never-ending physiotherapy rehab or equivalent ordeal it occurs surrounded by doctors, therapists and enthusiastic friends and relatives. Mostly it happens in a cruddy nhs gym room, or some curtained off cubicle, alone (because people have limited time, and capacity to watch their loved ones suffering, that is the harsh reality of it), often with the inspiring backing noises not of some heartfelt uplifting music but of some poor woman with a serious back injury whimpering as some robust, cheerful physio pokes and prods at her and explains why the only fix is to battle through it and even though you know she has a greater chance than you of healing, regardless, you would give all the little joys you have left to not have her hurt so bad to be whimpering like that. If they are so concerned for my mental health should they not make rehab... er...rehabilitating?!

More to come but my everything hurts so have to stop

Night my loves x

reactionary sketching

Arctic Nights

Laying in the bath at 3.34am looking out the window through a narrow view from below I realise that I am not seeing only arctic weather, blown across the oceans, but also seem to have aquired arctic nights, of the kind when the sun never sets,.. because at 3.34am in the uk you shouldnt be able to see the sky glowing like that... then I figure it's the snow doing lots of showy light reflecting and thats why it glows like that when it should be pitch black at that hour.. this light is no sheer moonlight. My body is behaving as if the sun never sets too.. insomnia isnt a strong enough word.

It's worse when you're single, because even an asleep person is someone THERE, and you cant call a friend at 3.34am to have a chat as if it's 3.34pm, not if you want to have any friends left to call by the end of the week! and then if I do sleep it's because I pass out in the middle of the afternoon and sleep through the buzzer going as various friends drop by to see me.. I'm missing even the meagre social life I have stuck at home (no insult intended to my amazing friends there, quality not quantity in a social life is really nice :) It's just a shame I cant go clubbing and pubbing and many other things that mean having tons of friends, like they all do, it's even more of a shame if I sleep through everything good)

So, I've got bronchitis, insomnia, all my eds and fibro symptoms going mental for many reasons, so have been bedridden/houseridden for weeks, my new living room has hardly been used, why sit in a chair in agony when you can lay on a bed in slightly less pain? the fact that its freezing makes all my joints swell up and my hands feel as useful as an 80 year olds, and I'm snowed in, and skint... and lonely, so of course I'm bored out of my freaking mind.

But it could be worse..

http://www.helpanton.org/

Thats the reality of life with a crappy genetic illness... your life is hell and you are considered deficient.. invalid.. as my best friend pointed out its all in the words in - valid, non valid. I'm a million times luckier than that poor boy though, because I have medical help and support, can you believe they separated him from his twin too? Talk about a primal wound. I dont know how people do things like that and still live with themselves, I want to top myself everytime I'm late for an appointment or upset someone being grumpy cos I'm hurting, if I did something that callous I think I'd just cease to exist on the spot. It makes me want to go all Dexter on their asses and find out who the twin is and stick a letter (with all the photos of his poor brother suffering that he wont be told about, I would bet my life they keep it a secret) in a safe box and post him the key when he's sixteen, that would shake some shit up in those evil peoples lives. I know its very basic of me to feel that way, but how can something like that be allowed to happen!? I hope he does find out somehow, they hurt him too, separating them, he wont know why he's hurt but he is, I think thats so cruel, all for the having of a child. I just dont get it, I could not have a child if it was not with some open honest intentions, hence the decision not to bear a child with the risk of them having eds, that pain can be spared by never happening, these people chose the risks then chose to abandon when he was not perfect, what are they going to do with the other kid if he is in a mutilating accident or just plain turns out ugly? leave him in a fucking ditch like an unwanted sofa?! Christ on sale. I can only quote Doug Stanhope at this point

"It's like people have kids just to do horrible shit to them"

Ok well I'm ranted out for the moment so shall return soon, thankyou to my friend Nate for being dead supportive of my blogging, but at times like these it seems like a drop in the ocean and only for me, and I'm not sure it even helps.

Night x

Well, it's snowing... Which is lovely and all, visually, but my ligaments have morphed into old dry elastic bands ie they go stretch... stretch.. snap! under very little pressure meaning I pull a lightswitch cord or brush my hair and my arm comes out of the socket.. I turn to get the milk from the fridge and my leg pops out.. it's horrific, upsetting, massively painful, frustrating, and not bloody convenient, frankly. AND I have yet another chest infection, and yet again am struggling to breathe (yes, I am quiting smoking soon, honest. My gp shouldnt really say this but he says he does not judge me for it as I had to quit most of my lifestyle, and drinking as it doesnt mix with the meds, so smoking is my one little vice/indulgence I have left, and there's no good time to start quitting in a life like mine. I know excuses, excuses, I'll have to focus on what Lloyd Pye told me, that it turns all your skin (inc your genitals) to leather, as the tanine tans the skin like leather through the blood supply from beneith... ew!)

The only way I can sum it up is this.. I coughed, and it put my hip out. Thats how bad my joints are today, thats how bad my chest is today.

Also there will be non of my usual bonbardment of photos and paintings today as I have no files to upload, as I am currently on a borrowed comp, my laptop having died (containing all my artwork from the last 10 years and more importantly currently my dla application details and appeal stuff.. so now I have no copies of my own (yes, I forgot to back up, I'm an idiot. I know.) I am assured it may be able to be fixed/files retrieved atleast but meanwhile I'm pretty nervous, and annoyed because my now empty weekend was ment to be spent setting up my etsy page to get more of my artwork out there so I can attempt some day to make my own living and not have to jump through bleedin' hoops anymore!!!! It seems a long way off at the moment, considering how hard it is to paint now, but I'm trying really hard at physio and I hopefully will be getting ring splints soon, so my hands might be more robust and less painful when I have better structure in muscle and silver :) Alot of my plans involve my hands not being useless. Fingers crossed (geddit?! hehe groan at will, but I loves a pun.)

Speaking of artwork.. I've been making masks for a masquerade ball, which has been alot of fun, cant wait to see my best mate's face when she see's hers! :D

Anyways, I'm all typed out

Nighty night x

The poor man's Mrs. Haversham

The return of the poor man's Mrs. Haversham! I'm sure my entire 3 watchers will be so delighted hahaha anyways, I thought its about time I updated this, I've been really useless of late when it comes to staying in contact with the outside world, life has kept me plenty busy with DLA appeal (apparently I'm not disabled! hahaha well frankly i'm not even bothering with that rant as it's so obvious, rest assured I'm fighting it, as long as it takes. Had I gotten it the backpay could have bought me an electric wheelchair.. I wonder how they think it feels spending christmas housebound?), moving house (YES! I found a better flat! JOY! It's tons better in every sense but thats a rant for another day), trying to cope with my body going apeshit because it's winter, wish I were better prepaired but not guilty about it as its not for want of trying, and dealing with loads of annoying life admin and appointments blah blah blah basically, not much fun. I did actually go out this evening though, for the first time in months, to see the new Bill Hicks documentary at a wheelchair friendly venue, it was lovely to see my perfect man's face on the big screen (yes Bill Hicks is my ideal man, and if you think thats wierd it's cos you havnt evolved enough yet :P) Not much of it was news to me as I've been obcessed with Bill for years, but it was good to see a documentary about him that wasnt all focused on censorship or swearing or politics, though these are valid angles to view his work it was long overdue for there to be a film about the man himself, and they showed very well that he wasnt just shocking, but actually a comic genius and a very inciteful man (I happen to believe he was a prophet but thats me hehe!)

But, I was nervous, about the whole been seen in public in my wheelchair, I havnt done the whole 'coming out' thing in my social world as when my knees messed up I was just on pause waiting for them to get better THEN I'd go out again.. but it's been nearly 7 months and my knees are a state still, and when I ask what will happen, like if/when will it get better, my rheumatologist shrugged and said "Emma, you've got EDS" Which I assume means it could be days or forever. I have no freaking idea how to plan for/accept/co-ordinate my life around an illness that meakes me a maybe-cripple.. me and my friends have ended up calling it coming-out and "cripples annonymous" as we have to find ways to joke about it, cripples annonymous was inspired by my friend Aoife saying I need someone who's been through it to talk to, and I said "what? Cripples annonymous? Hi I'm Emma, and I'm a cripple.... Hi Emma!" ... "today we're going to talk about how the hell to pull when people seem to not even see you..." If only. Aoife thinks my experience of all this is a book just waiting to happen, it's a shame I'm not a great writer, or have the energy, but maybe I'll have a try at it next time I'm full on stuck in bed it's good to have little projects. I think what it all comes down to is that all this has happened to my body and in the process it's changed me and my life so much I dont even know who the hell I am anymore, all the stuff I used to do isnt an option anymore as I used to be a really active person, hardworking, and a social butterfly... now I cant do anything that provides that for me, tonight was good but I couldnt drink, and it would have been a nightmare getting around if everyone wasnt sitting down, so it was all very chilled and civilised so do-able, but the old Emma wants to go clubbing til 3am dancing her arse off, running around making a problem of myself usually, and doing it all in high heels and corsets and drunk off my ass. I miss my old life, and my old body, that let me live.. now I live in this torture-chamber/prison/super-sensitive excuse for a body that thwarts me at every turn and means even a gentle hug from a friend is agony. I worry that I'll never feel and real human closeness again, I'm scared that non of the pain will ever ease (after 8 years of constant pain its allowable to worry about that) I grieve the babies I'll never have and all the millions of plans and ideas I had that now would be impossible, the woman I could have been, the life I could have had. I look at it alot of the time objectively, in the form of lists and logic, trying to plan and figure out ways to adjust and enjoy living, but there's always this really strong desire to scream "but this isnt anything I want! How the FUCK am I ment to enjoy anything when I'm ALWAYS hurting?!? I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!!" which I dont of couse (most of the time) because it isnt constructive (and I found bruising my hands punching the sides of the bath at the same time wasnt a fun addition to my pains.) Frankly it just seems so deeply unfair and I dont know how to be ok with it all, and when I'm in that chair it feels like people act different around me, and I act different, and I dont feel like anyone could ever find me attractive now, and even if they did want to be with me I'd think they were crazy anyway, who would choose these limitations?! Where are the guys who actually like girls where the conversation is the connection, and the personality that matters, and every challenge is an opportunity for a laugh? and who could take care of me without disempowering me or himself, and also be a lefty radical and a fan of the wierd and wonderful, and nice looking wouldnt go amiss but I'm not shallow... many of the blokes I seem to draw to me are anything but those things, its hard enough meeting people at all as I seem to only go to hospitals these days, which is hardly an appropriate place to go on the pull hahahahaha can you imagine?! and hard enough to meet people who get what I'm on about anyway. Since I did this whole good vs evil thing like a year ago, and I lost, unfortunately, misplaced trust and loyalty for someone that was not returned ment that I lost one of the most important people in my life who was spiritual family to me and the thing that really pisses me off still is that non of it was right, no-one did the right thing or got to end up on the right path, no-one kept their loyalties or were loyal to themselves or their own hearts, no-one kept their word or told each other the truth.. except for me, in the end. I learned something I cant unlearn, that my ethics and my respect for myself is greater even than my willingness to sink to corruption to achieve what I know to be right. I'd rather let someone choose the wrong path than do anything underhanded to set them on the right path, and respect is greater than love, its the main component, love without respect is like chocolate cake without chocolate, whats the point? but why is always the one who knows that who has to be the fucking brave one all the time? The whole experience has soured all attempts at relationships, and all thoughts in my mind of potential relationships, because all I see is a point in the future when it turns out that they hav'nt got my back at all and then I have to be all brave and cut throat about it again because I cant be with someone who isnt loyal and brave, and I cant believe in it anymore after everything that happened, a friendship like ours ending like it did, and the complete lack of a possibility that I could ever feel any different about it now doesnt mean that I dont wish it all different... what it does mean is that I dont trust peoples motives, I avoid loyalties and isolate myself so no-one can hurt me, and spend alot of time thinking back over the years, trying to find a way that it was my fault, in some subtle way did I mess with the fates? all that ends up happening is I remember everything we ever had since being little kids to adults, all the fun and dramas and knowing someone really beautiful in every sense.. I miss him like I've been skinned and have to ban myself from thinking about it by focusing on that day, when I knew before I knew. because I knew in my guts what would happen, it wasnt dread, it was knowing. I focus on that because it makes me furious at myself for knowing loads of stuff and still allowing myself to be chewed up and spat out because I so blindly believed that in the end everything would work out right for everyone, I wanted the madness to end. I wanted everyone to do the right thing for themselves, thats all it would have taken..the complete wreckage at the end,.. well, all sentimentality is evicted til further notice. And yes, my health was an issue, in various ways, though he would have been to graceful to admit it, and I was too proud. And all this stuff I'm going through now is that bit rougher without him.

Well I've haggarded my shoulders typing this and I doubt it makes sense but it made me feel a little better just to get my bile out, so thanks for reading, 3 watchers! ;)

Much love, in the very appropriate words of George Carlin (another late great american comedian) "So long, farewell! may the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house"

Emma x

Another friday night... ( ... /monday morning)

Well, what a week..

I had to basically cancel every single plan from large to small, necessary to leasure based.. all cancelled because I have a cold. That's one of the majorly annoying things about having EDS, the fact that a cold or bug can totally knock me for six. Not alot to tell, or alot of typing left in my hands, but wanted to upload some random images from my week...





And... I wanted to introduce you all to my friend's new kitty, Mr. Darcy.. is he not the cutest?!




xx

simple painting

Hello,
Not much to say today except ow, again.. EVERYTHING hurts. I did manage to do this simple painting, simple isnt really my style but I am quite pleased with it. Sorry about dreadful quality of image, had to take photo on phone as currently scanner-less :(

Anyways, Night x

ow...

Hello,
I've not alot to say today except ow, ow, ow. So, instead, here's some photos.. A flower I grew, a sketch I did, my knees that hurt and my friend William being impressed by me managing for the first time in weeks to actually cook a meal (with help, but still I did most of it) Thats about all I have managed yet, but the week is young.
Night x

EDS lonely hearts

Hello again..

Sometimes I just have more to say.

Mum would say I always do haha. Even though typing (and every other bleedin thing I could possibly want to do) hurts like hell today I'm typing anyways, my irritiation with my massive knees and being stuck in the house so much means I have to have a rant every so often... and I think my jaw is going all wrong, which is worrying, and very painful :(

Anyways, for my amusement I have written this lonely hearts ad, cant wait for the offers to start flooding in hahahaha!....

Wanted:
Gorgeous, devestatingly intelligent, limitlessly kind and resiliant man sought.
Must be oblivious to own awesomeness to facilitate not minding spending half of time sitting in hospital waiting rooms/ pushing wheelchair/ holding my hand through hours/days/weeks/months/years of endless agony.
Must be willing to suffer a minimal/nonexistent sexlife, and able to cope with my complete disbelief that that does not equal a minimal/nonexistent interest in me.

Time wasters/insane blokes need not apply. No dss.

House/flat desperation!!!

This is my view of the world right now, glipsed from a car window...





Hello,
House hunting when you're disabled is a NIGHTMARE!!!! Apparently they think it's ok to talk to you like dirt, repeatedly telling me that disabled housing through the council is my only option (NOT true, for starters the disabled housing is all miles away from my support structure, and also all the adaptions that I require can be temporary and need cause no damage or inconvenience to anyone.. I dont see what the problem is? It's not like it's catching.) leaving me standing around in agony waiting outside houses only to find you've been stood up!!! (pm me if you want to avoid that particular agency and I'll let you know who it was, though theyre all pretty bad arnt they?!) Trying with all my minimal might to find a local landlord who doesnt insist I throw money away dealing with incompitent middlemen leaches, sorry, estate agents, and then we can have a rational, fair, respectful arrangement and I can get back to being able to leave my home without help (ie no longer housebound, which frankly, is wearing thin... as is my patience with pretty much everything...)

On other issues, my torture, sorry, exercise program is going well, and I am showing improvement in muscle in my shoulders and back especially, and my poorly wrist (thank god!) Though my knees are showing up the rest of me by refusing to go back to 'normal' no matter what is tried... it's a real mystery. And after 3 months.. a real pain in the you-know-what too.

Aside from that I'm tired, uninspired, huffy and restless... actually I think that is quite apparent! Going to soak my old bones in the bath for an hour or three, my love goes out to all EDS people, I hope you are having a low pain-high mobility day, and to all my friends who keep me sane and all my family who make sure I dont go too sane (hahaha!) and especially to William for getting me out of the house today x

Goodnight all x

Good Riddance!!!

Hello,
Just a brief update tonight/tomorrow morning.. Just wanted to express my huge relief at having finally finished my disability benefits forms, it was an epic task and took me a looooooong time to make myself deal with it, to find the time, to physically do it as writing is very painful and to stomach the making-it-official-ness of the whole blasted process. If I wasnt so damn proud I could have had help with it, plenty was offered, but in a way I'm glad I did it majoritively by myself.... I can accept little praise for getting it done as it should have been finished over a year ago, but nevertheless I am delighted with myself simply for the fact I wont have to stare at that massive pile of medical paperwork anymore! JOY!

Speaking of joy, here is an image all artists can appreciate the beauty of.... new pencils :) yummy!


As for my health, that isnt so joyous, nothing much has changed since my last rant, though it feels more immediately problematic the more cabinfever I experience.. I need to find a new home that has better access and a garden, if I'm going to be stuck inside so much I want atleast my own bit of accessable outdoors. I'm bored senseless with having bad knees, it has been three months now... I wish I knew what treatment might do something to lessen the swelling...


I used to have really nice pins damnit!!!!

Atleast I have a forms-free desk, what a treat :) Well 4am is a shocking time to still be up I had best try-to-sleep , night night x

Hotmail

Has anyone else notices that hotmail has gone from a perfectly fine functioning email account, to a stupid glitchy mincy pile of shit with all kinds of extras.. that make it NOT WORK!!!! ARGH!! I will be sacking off hotmail within a week if they dont do something to fix the cack handed mess they have made tying to guild the lily.

Grrrr that has made me so cross.. if it works why change it?!?!?!??!

Sometimes I hate being right...

Hello,
Well it's been a while since I updated as I've been very poorly :( and have also been battling with disability forms and going to appointments (including pain clinic) because my life is just sooo rock and roll!
Here is some more photos of that mad creature I photographed a few weeks ago, he certainly makes me feel like less of a freak lol...



And a picture of one of my new fishes, will upload some better photos of them soon, this one is a little white koi...


And finally the grim state of my knees currently, no treatments seem to be working, the pain seems to be worsening and spreading, the swelling just refuses to settle down... and frankly after 3 months of this I'm getting quite impatient for an answer!....


The pain clinic went exactly as I thought it would, and worse. My prediction from my last post was completely right, though the details made it even worse.... " I bet other Eds people reading this will know I'm blatantly in a state of dread due to an impending pain clinic appointment. There's nothing like the expectation of that brief medical, brisk interview, and antidepressant prescription writen with a florish, and that door hitting you on the arse, to make you feel defensive and grim." So.. first they sent us to totally the wrong entrance to the hospital, and whilst rushing in my wheelchair to make it to the appoitnment in time I hurt my right arm, hand and shoulder when the right wheel momentarily left the ground, making the wheel whizz out of my grasp, throwing my arm out in a wrenching, agonising movement. Finally upon arrival I could not fill out the 8 pages of forms they had for me to fill out, and needed the nurse to fill out the form and ask me, was my pain ....wrenching? agonising?... oh indeed. But the doctor could not see the logical connection between conenctive tissue disorder and the pain, all he saw was a hysteric, a victim, a broken soul. Christ, it's so tiring dealing with doctors sometimes, his replies to the things I said seemed like we were having two different conversations... this was all infront of two what I call babydocs (student doctors, these two for some insane reason want to be pain doctors) he then gave me a very brief and illogical medical, and pointed to the very old scars on my arms and said "what are those bruises?" in quite an accusing fashion.. now... A) a doctor who see's ten year old scars and thinks they're bruises is from that moment on not trusted by me... and B) Where does he get off?? I was not shown the documentation that says he get's to take the moral high ground and talk to people who are suffering like dirt.. I decided to call his bluff and said quite calmly and clearly "They're ten year old scars. I used to self harm, I dont anymore. End of story." I am not ashamed of what I went through, and I refuse to be judged by someone like that! He promptly wrote me a prescription for anti depressants, adding to the cocktail of drugs I am already on, despite me expressing concern over the amount of meds and its effects on my ability to function... and insisted that I agree to seeing the pain psychologist, I agreed, because it's worth a try, I'm not in any way saying I wont do what is asked of me, I always try my best. The way I see it if you dont try your best you cant complain if it doesnt work! There's nothing better than a legitimate angst haha. Though I wont be taking the antidepressants, I'm no fool I know when I'm being fobbed off, and Also that method has been tried, three times before, unsuccessfully.

One of the babydocs showed interest in Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, and I was answering her questions, and the pain doc cut us off to carry on asking totally abstract questions ignoring my physical problems.. this made me furious on many levels but especially as the babydoc actually showed an interest which is so rare for a medical professional concerning this illness, they usually either consider it a hyperchondriac-crutch or they just dont get it... but this babydoc really wanted to know about it, and isnt that the whole point of them doing sit-ins like that? That pain doc had an example of a patient with a really rare illness, and two students.. and he activelly avoided teaching them anything, or even allowing them to ask for themselves! All he taught them was ignorance and it really depressed me that the crap set-in-their-ways-believing-nonsense-docs are teaching the next generation of babydocs to be all apathy, disregard, disrespect and prejudgement and an uncanny ability to ignor EVERYTHING the patient says. When I was first diagnosed there were few positives to ponder on to stay sane, one of them was the logical hope that atleast now diagnosed I would be taken seriously... in retrospect that seems laughable.

I resent that the whole focus was upon my mental state, just once it would be nice if they would remember that I've been valiantly dealing with immense whole-body chronic pain for 8 years!!!!! I think that shows great mental strength and endurance, god darn it.

Right, I'm too tired and hurting to type more, or think of anything cheerful to sign off with, sorry, will try to be less grim in the next post!

Love x

Friday night blues, baby

Well... It's friday night here in my world, everyone is out having fun, I am laid in my bed with legs afire with pain watching old episodes of the twilight zone! (I can personally recommend these episodes..'What's in the box' if you feel like being really disturbed that is... also, 'Eye of the beholder' 'The masks' 'Sounds and silences' What the hell happened to me? Eds happened. It makes me sad to feel envious of my friend's lives, their enjoyment should make me happy, not jealous. Everyone seems to be having holidays, nights out, festivals, gigs, boyfriends, jobs, adventures... I'm having appointments, pain, fatigue, meds, toothache, disability aids, exercises and disability forms... meh. I know I have to focus on the positives and be as full of hope as I can, but it's easier for everyone else to feel that than for me to, I've felt so constantly shit for so long that it almost feels like kidding myself to hope, and sometimes cynicism is the only sane path. I think people mistake it as unwillingness to try, because I do try, very very much, the way I see it, you cant complain if you dont atleast try, and what else is there to do? I do everything I'm told to do to make my life livable and to try to eat right, do my exercises, do activity only in stages with lots of rests, try to ask for help when I need it, try to accept it.. hard not to feel bitter when all the trying starts to come a close second to the top number 1 thing, pain, in the list of things I spend my time dealing with and thinking about. There's no breaks, no relief, no rest from it. I sometimes wish the EDS would manifest as a person so I would have someone real to hate for this torture, so that the love I try to send to my body is no longer so caught up in a big mess of hate and betrayal at its torture chamber likeness. Maybe I should paint what that creature would look like, I'm guessing not pretty.
I think my point is that my dark sense of humour and chip on my shoulder should'nt ever be misinderstood as a lack of determination or faith in myself... it's just a primal wound, and my own brand of survival, and believe me it's less destructive than my previously tried methods. I bet other Eds people reading this will know I'm blatantly in a state of dread due to an impending pain clinic appointment. There's nothing like the expectation of that brief medical, brisk interview, and antidepressant prescription writen with a florish, and that door hitting you on the arse, to make you feel defensive and grim.

Linked here, one of my favourite 90's comedy shows, with stewart lee and richard herring.... "With the magic of television anything can happen and probably will!" "What, anything can happen.. right... will giant otters with the faces of ants fly out of you and crop spray the audience?".....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tds6xkEedGk

I recommend watching the whole episode (links on right) :D

All out of typing power.... Goodnight all, Love Xx

Is anyone else bored of hearing about my stupid knees? Cos I am... :(

Hello,..
So, as you can see from these photos I still have very poorly knees :( Hurt them even more rushing to a gp appointment today, I got a lift too so I didnt have to rush far and yet.... ouchies.

The rest of my week has followed the same theme really, everything physically dreadful, just battling on to get through each day... Luckily my physio rehab starts tomorrow, thanks to my wonderful mum who is paying to get me the correct help. I'm looking forward to getting some ultrasound on my knees tomorrow they're so freaking swollen its untrue :(
Here's some photos of randomness from this week...




Not alot to say really, or alot of energy to type... So going to sign off, will report how physio goes, soon as.
Night x

Nation of ShivaPuppy!

Not whining about my health today, read the last blog and the one before, and the one before, still cant walk properly/at all, still in loads of pain blah blah.. Anyways, wanted to show you all my puppydog, who came to visit me last week (she lives with a friend in another town because I cannot even walk her anymore, He kindly brought her to visit on the weekend) ...

I think the top one looks like the flag for the nation of ShivaPuppy!

knees...again...blah :(

Ello
So... As you can see from these photos below my knees have flared up, and are arguably worse this time... 5 weeks of useless legs is really frustrating. Photos above are things that broke up the time between hurting and limping and feeling totally out of it...

Seeing new Rheumatologist on monday so hopefully will get SOMETHING done about it! Typing hurts alot today and it's very late so going to atempt sleeping, Night x