Friday night blues, baby

Well... It's friday night here in my world, everyone is out having fun, I am laid in my bed with legs afire with pain watching old episodes of the twilight zone! (I can personally recommend these episodes..'What's in the box' if you feel like being really disturbed that is... also, 'Eye of the beholder' 'The masks' 'Sounds and silences' What the hell happened to me? Eds happened. It makes me sad to feel envious of my friend's lives, their enjoyment should make me happy, not jealous. Everyone seems to be having holidays, nights out, festivals, gigs, boyfriends, jobs, adventures... I'm having appointments, pain, fatigue, meds, toothache, disability aids, exercises and disability forms... meh. I know I have to focus on the positives and be as full of hope as I can, but it's easier for everyone else to feel that than for me to, I've felt so constantly shit for so long that it almost feels like kidding myself to hope, and sometimes cynicism is the only sane path. I think people mistake it as unwillingness to try, because I do try, very very much, the way I see it, you cant complain if you dont atleast try, and what else is there to do? I do everything I'm told to do to make my life livable and to try to eat right, do my exercises, do activity only in stages with lots of rests, try to ask for help when I need it, try to accept it.. hard not to feel bitter when all the trying starts to come a close second to the top number 1 thing, pain, in the list of things I spend my time dealing with and thinking about. There's no breaks, no relief, no rest from it. I sometimes wish the EDS would manifest as a person so I would have someone real to hate for this torture, so that the love I try to send to my body is no longer so caught up in a big mess of hate and betrayal at its torture chamber likeness. Maybe I should paint what that creature would look like, I'm guessing not pretty.
I think my point is that my dark sense of humour and chip on my shoulder should'nt ever be misinderstood as a lack of determination or faith in myself... it's just a primal wound, and my own brand of survival, and believe me it's less destructive than my previously tried methods. I bet other Eds people reading this will know I'm blatantly in a state of dread due to an impending pain clinic appointment. There's nothing like the expectation of that brief medical, brisk interview, and antidepressant prescription writen with a florish, and that door hitting you on the arse, to make you feel defensive and grim.

Linked here, one of my favourite 90's comedy shows, with stewart lee and richard herring.... "With the magic of television anything can happen and probably will!" "What, anything can happen.. right... will giant otters with the faces of ants fly out of you and crop spray the audience?".....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tds6xkEedGk

I recommend watching the whole episode (links on right) :D

All out of typing power.... Goodnight all, Love Xx